“This is just how I am. At this point in life, I’m not going to change.”
A friend said that awhile ago. It has been bouncing around my head (and heart) ever since. It’s time to pull it out and look at it.
On one hand, I agree.
I’ve spent some time looking at how I am built, how I work best. There are some roles I am well-suited for and some I should flee. There are some kinds of situations I can understand intuitively, some applications of heart and mind that I am made for.
There are images in the Bible of a body with many parts, many different ways of working. Together these differences accomplish much more than any one could accomplish alone. I understand that we are different and that is great.
I sit on the almost eve of a half-century of life. And I desperately hope that how I work now isn’t stuck. I am convinced with every way I can be convinced that I cannot stay the way I am.
- Although I can write, I want to write more clearly, with greater awareness of where people are.
- Because the communication and relational and philosophical and financial situations of the people around me are radically different than they were 50 years ago, I want to learn to adjust.
- Because I am not at all satisfied with my habits, with my patterns of time and health and reflection, I want to pay attention, to spend more time than ever on making real what I believe, on living as if what I say is true.
- I want to love myself less and God more.
- I want to love others as much as I love myself.
There is, for me, an invitation. I am invited to look more and more like Jesus. I am more dissatisfied than ever about the gap, and more aware than ever about some deep and simple issues that have shaped me in ways that I had not noticed before, and more grateful than ever about the progress.
I can’t speak for my friend. I can only speak for myself.
I’m nowhere near done growing and changing yet.
And I’m glad.