(First published, as very first post, on June 6, 2005)
Saturday was graduation day for our son. I was on my way to get one last table, a wheelchair for my dad, and a bunch of balloons. I started to cry as I was driving, which wasn’t surprising because I had been on the edge all week. He graduates, his sister finished 8th grade, lots of transition right now.
As always, I was wondering how much I had failed. After 18 years of trying, what more should I have done? How could I have been more effective as a father? What are the things that I should have taught him?
I turned on the radio and heard worship music, lyrics which were pointing to the power and worthiness and significance of God. It felt odd, somehow, in my mood, but as I drove, thinking, switching between the two Christian stations in our town, I realized that every song on the playlists for both stations was pointing to God.
Then I realized that even in the middle of my doubting of myself, God was assuring me that He was in control. He was and is and will be sufficient for our son–and us–for ever.
Do I have responsibilities? Yes. Do I have permission to be depressed? No. Can I question myself? Yes. Am I loved even in the middle of the questioning? Absolutely.
I think that I graduated on Saturday, too.
“Looking Back” is an opportunity to republish posts which have mattered to me. They may matter to you, too.