But doing stuff takes time away

My volume of writing here has dropped off. I am writing fewer posts and most of them come early in the week.

Part of me gets really annoyed by that. I want to be a consistent blogger. I want to build traffic. I want to be helpful to people, to think and reflect on things that matter.

Another part of me wants to slap that first part of me.

• I am still writing five days a week at 300wordsaday.com.
• I am producing videos almost every week for my day job.
• I am having delightfully significant  and consistent conversations with a handful of people around me.
• I have, in each of the past two weeks, spent 3 hours each writing about 90 seconds of copy. (This in in contrast to writing 300 words posts in 30 minutes or less.)
• I’m working with a bunch of wonderful people on a $1,276,144.44 capital campaign (the decimal points matter).
• I spent two days out of town with Nancy.
• I’m re-revising a piece of prose, and finding that the time is forcing me to rethink and revise.

I’m discovering that I have limited amounts of creativity, of revision, of troubleshooting, of words.And I’m discovering that if I pour energy into effective communication, it takes more time than I thought.

Today Amber Naslund said, “I’d so much rather we go out and DO stuff and talk about it than post everyone else’s “motivational” quotes. /cynicism.” I agree with her, mostly. (I don’t think she’s being cynical.) The challenge of going out and doing stuff is that we may not have enough words left when we come back to talk about it.

Because sometimes, the out there doesn’t leave much energy for in here.

Or maybe I’m just being lazy or not wanting to enough.

Maybe I just need a good motivational statement.

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For more on Amber, here’s is our 5 Questions conversation.

sitting by the fire

“Is that a real fire?”

“No, it’s a gas log”

“It’s pretty realistic, though”

Nancy and I are sitting on a sofa, in front of a fire, at a state park inn in northern Indiana. I just finished writing a post over at 300wordsaday.com. It will go up in the morning. Nancy is journalling. We are enjoying the fire. And being together.

Two people just walked out, leaving for the evening. They didn’t see us. They just talked about the fire.

It is a real fire. There is real warmth. It isn’t a wood fire, but it is a real fire.

These are real words. There is real truth. They aren’t “pen and ink and paper” words” but they are real words.

I’m writing, in part, to real friends. There is real relationship. They aren’t “spend a lot of time in the same geography” friends, but they are really change my life friends.

Nancy and I are enjoying being together. We aren’t playing table games or watching a movie or whatever it is you are supposed to do to prove that you are comfortably and caringly married after nearly 27 years. But it is a real marriage, not just realistic.

But the two people deciding quickly about the reality of the fire wouldn’t know any of this.

That’s fine.

I do.

Stop counting minutes

Nancy and I walk at the mall. I look at signs. (I look at Nancy, too, but don’t tell her.)

The other night, I saw this one and thought, “I’d love over-age protection.”

And then I read closer. Apparently, if I stop counting the minutes and just enjoy the phone, I’ll be protected from overage.

I think there’s probably some merit in that thought. When I spend inordinate amounts of time trying to save minutes, I end up just feeling more exhausted, older. On the other hand, when I relax and live, listening in conversations, concentrating, being attuned…wow, I feel younger just thinking about it.

Maybe that’s why Jesus encouraged his followers to become like little children. Not childish, mind you, just curious, engaged.

Not counting minutes.

finding bright spots

“What did you learn about God this week?”

That’s how I used to start conversations with a friend I’ve been mentoring for awhile. I could have started with “So how have you failed this week” or “did you follow through with reading your Bible every day.”

But I didn’t. I was more interested in knowing what he was learning than with checking up on certain behaviors.

He reminded me of that question the other day as we were talking about Switch, the new book by Chip and Dan Heath. As we started our 2010 meetings for coffee and hot chocolate and conversation, we decided to work our way through this book.

Helping people change

Why? Because both of us are interested in helping people change, including ourselves.  As Chip and Dan point out, “Ultimately, all change efforts boil down to the same mission: can you get people to start behaving in a new way?” (p 4) We need counsel. And this book is it.

Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard is a book about bringing about change, particularly when change is difficult. They identify three critical elements of any process or program of change: direct the rider, motivate the elephant, and shape the path. Said in less vivid language,

“For individuals’ behavior to change, you’ve got to influence not only their environment but theur hearts and minds. The problem is this: Often the heart and mind disagree. Fervently.” (p 5).

As we work our way through the book over the next few weeks, I’ll be making some notes here from our conversations. (If you want a brief overview, go to this video review of Switch as a whole from Chris Brogan.)

Finding Bright Spots

Their first strategy for directing the rider, for engaging the head, is to find bright spots. In moving toward change, rather than spending so much time on what’s wrong or how it happened or who is at fault, someone making a switch will look for what is working, for some example of the kind of behavior you want.

Chip and Dan identify the Miracle question: “If a miracle happened overnight and your problem were solved, what’s the first small sign that would make you think the problem was gone.” And then they identify the Exception question: “When was the last time you saw the miracle, even for a little bit.” (from p 36-39).

We all know about positive reinforcement: looking for good behaviors and reinforcing them. Dan and Chip seem to be going beyond simple care plans and behaviorism. They say, in essence, “engage the people you are helping to change in the process of identifying the good behaviors. Help them think about how things could be better, different.”

Going back to my question above, here’s how it illustrates the “bright spots” approach:

My friend has had plenty of accountability. He knows the rules and the principles. I’m not interesting in helping him keep spiritual rules. What I’m most interested in is helping him learn, in this case, about God in a relational way.  When I help him think about his learnings, regardless of how they came about, I can help him think about how he learned that idea or fact or principle. I’m helping him find successes in growing in relationship, even if it comes in failing at certain behaviors.

But it’s easy to see failures

As we talked, he said “This assumes that there are bright spots.”

I understand his comment. As we look at behaviors, we constantly focus on failures, in ourselves and in others. We run our heads into the wall, thinking “I’ll never get this. I always fail.”

Even as I’m writing this post, I got an email from a friend, remarkably gifted in caring. He’s struggling with believing that to be true.

I understand that struggle. So do you.

But if we are going to change ourselves and the people around us, we need to look for the bright spots that show that we are changing, that there are starting places that are working.

So what do we do?

If you want to stop wasting time browsing on the Internet, finding a bright spot means “Make a list of 2-3 times you turned off the computer and were incredibly creative.” If you want to help your kids stop fighting, finding a bright spot means “make a list of 2-3 times they cooperated.” If you want to get people to be more proactive about accessibility, invite them write definitions of what accessibility means to you.”

As we keep reading, I’ll keep testing the approach that Chip and Dan describe. I’ll let you know what we learn.

For now, what didn’t I explain very well about bright spots?

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Disclaimer:

Above and following is an affiliate link for the book. If you order it, I’ll get a little money (but it won’t cost you extra.)  Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard.

I also need to tell you that the copy I have is an advance copy I was sent because I requested it. I requested it because I was a fan of their previous book, Made to Stick. However, I will be buying my own copy when the book comes out in February. (And a handful of copies for other people.)

i suppose i should apologize

I wasn’t fair to the young man who called tonight.

It was the annual fund call from my alma mater. Students call, ask to verify information, invite me to contribute to the annual fund, and ask whether I have any prayer requests.

This year, the young man who called is a communication major, just like I was. When he asked me what my favorite course had been, and I told him, he said that it had been an important course to him, too.

And then, having established connection, he worked through the well-crafted fund-raising script that starts with a big ask, cuts it in half, and then goes for at least a participation gift. It appeals to the school motto, thanks me as a student who has benefited, gives great factual and emotional appeals.

I let him ask, knowing from the outset that I would not give. I resent, perhaps immaturely, being run through a script. It isn’t fair to this college student, my silence on the phone, my allowing him to work all the way through every section of the script.

But here’s my frustration. The college that gave me three memorable professors, an excitement about rhetoric (of all things), a couple of significant spiritual moments should be smarter in approaching me.
You know, for example, that I have three degrees in communication, focusing on persuasion. You know that I worked in higher education, that for part of that time I was involved in development. You know that I had high test scores coming into college but that my grades never reflected them but that my GRE’s were great. You know that I never lived on campus, that I graduated early, that I came back to pick up classes from a different major, one that took me into higher education for 15 years. You know that I haven’t ever come to homecoming.

You ought to know that I will be somewhat cynical, aware of how fund-raising works, and that I would be susceptible to an appeal that said, “Maybe you didn’t exactly fit at Wheaton, but there are some misfit commuters here who don’t fit the mold but will, like you, go on to be moderately successful and help some people. Would you be interested in talking with them? No strings attached.”

I’m sorry, young man who called tonight. I made you work too hard and didn’t give you anything. When the envelope comes that you will probably send, I may consider giving something.

But Wheaton, dear old Wheaton, live forever. And while you do, think about using the tons of data you have on me, and people like me, to build appeals that see us as individuals.

And other people who use scripts to raise funds or build relationships or seek converts, please learn from this incident. You have enough information on us to see us as people rather than pockets.

Please do.

Not everyone can do that

I’ve talked with several people recently about figuring out what it is they do best. I decided to point you to the same resource I’ve sent them to.

Several years ago, I took a test called the StrengthsFinder.

I bought a book. I entered the code that was inside the book. I answered a bunch of questions. I hit “Submit”. I got an email that said that my strengths are

• Strategic: People strong in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed.  Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.
• Empathy: People strong in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.
• Ideation: People strong in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas.  They are able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.
• Intellection: People strong in the Intellection theme are characterized by their intellectual activity.  They are introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions.
• Connectedness: People strong in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things.  They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.

Those of you who know me know that these are pretty accurate. I include them to suggest that this instrument can return results that reflect the person taking the test.

But why is this so interesting? I mean, didn’t I know these things about myself already?

I did. But I never thought of them as strengths. A couple of them I’ve actually thought of as weaknesses, as ways in which I was odd. A couple of the others I’ve assumed are what everyone did.

Not everyone can do what I do, or what you do.

These five are my strengths out of a list of thirty-four. Other people don’t have these five. They may have strengths in actually doing things, in learning, in leading.

This test grows out of an approach to leading and managing and teaching and relating that emphasizes strengths rather than weaknesses. We spend huge amounts of time working to improve things we can’t do, things that we struggle with. But what would happen if we poured that same energy into what we can do well, sharpening it, improving it? We would be more challenged, less frustrated, and more effective.

We would also be more aware of our need for other people.

If you are part of a team or a relationship, having each person take this test can let you see how your strengths can mesh. I’ve taken it in two settings with others. In each, it provided clarity. In one, it explained why we never got things all the way to done-there were a couple strengths that no one had.

Here’s a link to a book containing the code: StrengthsFinder 2.0: A New and Upgraded Edition of the Online Test from Gallup’s Now, Discover Your Strengths. (Affiliate link).

For those of you who have taken this test, has it been helpful?

If you haven’t, do you see the value?

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Related posts:

• deliberate practice
• be who you are
• gifts are.

progress reflections halfway through January

I did my three words.

I’m keeping track of how much water I’m drinking, how often Nancy and I are walking. I’m working on a couple other things.

I’m trying. I’m really trying.

But I spent part of several hours of driving yesterday thinking about my three words and about what has felt like little progress.

I picked up a little thread that Chris Brogan included in “Wiring Yourself for Success.” He shows how to take three words and lay out a plan. As part of the planning process, he says to identify “Distractions to Avoid”.

So yesterday I made a list of distractions or barriers or obstacles for each of my words. I looked for what has been throwing me off track.

For example, I realized that when I am agitated, I snack. Having an open container of Cats Cookies from Trader Joe’s on the car seat next to me makes it very easy, when trying to focus, to take way more than the 16 that make up a serving.

On the other hand, if I have a bag with only 16 and can’t get to the rest, I’ll only eat those sixteen.

This is not, by the way, focusing on failure. It is looking at the places I get off track, identifying what happens, and making changes to avoid those behaviors.

Because, after all, I want to eliminate the distractions that are keeping me from accomplishing what is represented by my three words.

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Related posts:

Which weaknesses

Have a seat. Just for a minute or two.

I’m a Mac. And I’m a Buick.

The “service engine soon” light was on.

Again.

It came on a couple months ago. The guy at the shop said it was the EGR system. The valve itself is expensive to replace. Cleaning the lines to the valve is less so. He suggested starting that way. I agreed.

(I think it’s like having an angioplasty instead of a heart valve replacement.)

The light stayed off for awhile. Then it came on.

They reset the light.

It came on again.

I finally went back in this week.

The warning system is computer driven. The sensors, used to the cruddy ines, when faced with the clean lines didn’t know how to handle the flow and return an error.

The mechanic said that he’d need to ___. I looked blank, I think.

So he said, “It’s like the computer is running Windows 95 and we need to upgrade to Windows 7.”

“No no no, not 7,” I said. I’m always uncertain about new versions of software for the first year or so.

“What’s better,” he said. “Vista?”

The joking side of my mind raced, trying to figure out how to respond.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m a Mac guy.”

And then he fixed our car. And charged nothing for that part of the work.

His metaphor was perfect for the issue he was dealing with. I understood completely.

But apparently, after working with car issues all day, he likes to go home to technology that works.

why don’t they get it.

It isn’t a new question.

We have been asking, “Why don’t they get it?” forever.

Almost forever, anyway.

Ever since there were two people, since social media options included face-to-face and nothing, someone has thought about someone else, “Why don’t they get it?”

(Whether “it” equals social media or community or my plan to make you rich (and me, too), the principle seems the same:)

The only way “they” have ever gotten it, in a life-transforming, behavior-altering, long-term-money-generating way, is when we think of “us” as if we were “them”.

The ability to express “me” is fun. But until “we” express “them”, why should they care?

I mean, as a conversationalist, we will be as interactive as a cymbal if we don’t listen.

Think about it: “We” could tell “them” everything about the future, but if they think we don’t care about “them”, “they” won’t trust it (or us).

We could be the best social philanthropists, but if it is all about our reputation instead of the lives of others, there is no point.

So how would it work to see from their side?

• They will get it (enough to make it their own) only when we are patient with their objections and tentativeness.
• And most of the time, it really helps to be kind.
• If we are jealous of what they have already, why should they trust whatever alternatives we offer them?
• Or we’re looking primarily for what we will get out of it rather than what they will get, they are going to look to some other “we”, some other way.
• On the other hand, we may actually be the best, but our boasting, our pride, will push them away more than invite them closer.
• In fact, our very rudeness gets in the way of them getting it (in most places anyway) and if we get angry easily about their questions or their behavior, if we take their criticism personally and respond the same way, if we keep track of every little misstep “they” take, we will make no progress.
• In order for them to get it, we’ve got to respect them, expect their best, trust them.

They will get it if we are less consumed with them getting us, and more concerned with us getting them.

It’s about love, after all.

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This was my chapter in The Age of Conversation 2: Why Don’t They Get It? I realized that I can share it here now. But you can still buy the book. (Of course, the link is an affiliate link). And yes, I do acknowledge a debt to Paul.

100 words on social media for college students

Yes, it’s been a long time.

Can I get you some coffee?

What happened next?

That must have been hard.

Yes, I struggle with that, too.

I know someone who’s been through a similar challenge. Would you like her name?

What if we both worked on that?

Sure, we can invite them. Send them a link.

Leave a trail. Care a lot. Start in the mirror.  Look across the table. Listen. Respond. Trust.

100 words can be a speech or can be conversation. The “social” in “social media” invites the conversation. Accept the invitation.

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Written for Andrew Hoffman’s Grassroots Communication class.