The challenge of Mother’s Day

Some holidays are easy, easy to celebrate, easy to ignore. Others are challenging to talk about, challenging to celebrate. At least for me.

I have in me an expectation-sensor. I’m not sure that’s it’s technical name. In fact, it may not have a name. I just thought of it. But I can describe it.

I have something in me that detects what people might need or want and then prompts me to want to help. It’s inconsistent. Sometimes it is oversensitive, tuned more to doing than to being. Sometimes it misses things, mostly because it is more responsive than predictive. As a result, it knows that today is Mother’s Day and that I need to do something special for my mom. However, earlier in the week, when I could have sent a card, I didn’t because I was aware of other things in the moment.

I get this expectation-sensor from my mom.

Mom is having an incredibly difficult time this weekend. She had eye surgery on Thursday. It was very successful. She has had eye pressure in the 20s and 30s. That’s bad. That can lead to loss of vision, and that has happened some. But after the surgery, the pressure dropped to 5.

So the difficulty is not because of the results of the surgery. The difficult time for this weekend is that she can’t bend over. For the next several weeks, she needs to not lean forward. And this need to think about herself, to pay attention to what she is doing is hard for Mom because she is always thinking and doing for others. She takes care of my dad. She spends time and thought on the other people in the condo building. She has people over for coffee, she encourages people, she is present for people as they are preparing to die.

She has been like this as long as I can remember, anticipating needs and responding. From her I get a propensity for migraines. But where I complain about mine, hers used to last hours or days longer than anything I have ever had…and I never knew. She just kept pushing.

Her Swedish hospitality meant that if someone came over, they needed to have coffee and a snack. (or whatever they would drink. I learned to drink coffee early “to be sociable” but I also learned to drink it black so as to not be an inconvenience). She learned this from her mother.

The picture above, with Mom playing Scrabble with our son Andrew, shows her sitting. My guess is that after this move she was up, asking what she could get for someone. Even in the picture she is blurred because she is moving.

The time she is most still is when she is reading or praying. Mom has read the Bible more and talked to God about her family more than I will ever do. And she prays with that emotional response that you see when someone is talking to a loved one that they can’t see but long to, like a homesick child calling home, knowing they have to stay at camp, comforted by the voice from home. My mom is homesick for heaven.

So today my Mom is spending Mother’s Day unable to help, by doctor’s orders. She’ll cheat, however. She’ll figure out how to help someone without leaning over, will still pray without bowing her head. In fact, knowing mom, while I’m writing this, she’s been praying for me…and for you. My sisters live close and are taking care of my folks these days. They have this expectation-sensor, too, and both are taking care of others and their families in amazing ways.

Oh yea. The challenge.

I am, because of the expectation sensor that I got from my mom, acutely aware of how painful Mother’s Day is for many people. There is a huge gap between what Hallmark wants us to feel and what many people can feel about mothers. Women who don’t have children, children who don’t have mothers or understandably wish that they had any mother but the one they have. We have created incredibly high standards for what being a mother is and then we watch as people feel guilty because they can’t live up to standard that no one can reach.

So I write to celebrate my mom, knowing that it may cause pain and knowing that the last thing she would want is to make anyone feel bad. But she’s spent her life trying to help, trying to comfort grieving, trying to be present. And so it’s worth telling her story.

And if there is anything she can do for you, anything she can get you while she’s up, she will.

Coffee?

not another 8 ways post.

When I drive, I think. When I drive at the end of a confusing day, my thinking takes on a peculiar, stream-of-something tone. Such was the case yesterday when I tweeted, “Among the how-to books, are there any whether-to books?”

I was inspired by yet another how-to book on the seat of the car, just checked out of the library at the recommendation of a friend. Having looked at it overnight, I am planning to dig into it more. In fact, one statement is already shaping my day:

“What separates the great innovator from the mere data gatherer is the ability to stop gathering data and think about what has been gathered.” **

And, of course, the question is always, “how do I do that?” And the author obliges.

But the looming question for me right now is not the “how-to” question. It is the “whether-to” question. How do I decide whether to take those steps, to read that book, to read the blog that mentions the book, to write this post rather than clean off the desk or make the bed or just stop and think?

I can write 8 ways lists with great ease. So could you. I can read how-to books or how they did  (biographies and histories) or how could we (futurist) with delight and abandon. The whether books are harder, because they invite me to weigh and reflect and choose.

As you walk into the weekend, as you make your lists of what has to get done and how you are going to do it, what are your “whether” filters going to be?

Would you care to share?

————–

Footnote:

**CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked, and About to Snap! Strategies for Handling Your Fast-Paced Life, by Dr Edward Hallowell, p 132.

8 ways to change the world in an hour

I had an hour today.

Like most days, I had 24 hours today. But in the middle of the afternoon I realized that there was nothing scheduled for the next while. As I thought about that hour–coming with a messy desk, headache-medicine clouded brain, no immediately pressing tasks–I began to wonder whether I could think about changing the world in that hour.

Some people can, by virtue of their proximity to cataclysmic technology, can change the world in seconds. That’s not me. Some people can, by virtue of their proximity to communicative networks, can change the world in minutes. (A truth or a lie can travel quickly, shaping markets). I, having none of those at hand, am left with hours or more for my changes.

I let twitter know what I was doing and turned to my hour.

1. Decide to not wait for information. I can spend an hour checking email, twitter, RSS readers and back again. By not doing that for an hour, I am changing my personal time world. I’m having the opportunity to not react. Total time: 0.

2. Fix a projector. One of our video projectors was not working properly. I searched on-line for the manual, found the fix, and went upstairs to fix it. Total time: 7 minutes. World-changing potential? It simplifies life for the teacher using that projector. What he is teaching will change the world of the people in that class. [The obvious application is to look for something simple to repair that can ease someone else's life.]

3. Rewrite a letter. I’m working on some material for an information packet, letting people know what we are about as a church. I did a draft last night, got comments from Nancy, and took time to rewrite it today. Total time: 15 minutes. World-changing potential? It helps people interested in us know what we are about. The clearer the statement, the quicker they and we discover whether we fit. That saves all of us time, not for the sake of time, but for the sake of helping people grow well.

4. Finish reminder cards for staff. In our staff meeting today we talked about 50 ways to say thank you to volunteers for less than $5. After our listing process, our boss said, “How do we move from information to application.” I took a picture of the board, put it on a card, printed copies for everyone with a message about following up. Time spent: 5 minutes of my hour. World changing potential? First, I finished something. That always rocks my world. Second, as our staff look at them and then follow-through by thanking volunteers specifically, the work being done to change lives will be fostered. Third, the behavior we are modeling will cascade.

5. Send three emails. Short emails clarifying information. 1 answered a question allowing someone to follow-up. 1 took care of a scheduling question. 1 allowed 2 people to stop worrying about a problem. Time spent: 4 minutes.

6. Make a list of next projects. Write a thank you note, rearrange your desk so you can find things, identify tomorrow’s tasks. These aren’t things that get DONE in the hour, but they change how I plan to interact with the world after the hour is over.

7. Make a list of several ways to change the world in an hour. Teaching people is always a way to help. By documenting what I did, I can help you figure out incremental ways to change your world.

8. Discover that by making the announcement on twitter, I started conversations with people around the country. @paulswansen, @beckymccray, @stumark all were checking on me. Stepping away made stepping back feel good. And talking to them changed my world.

But.

If you read closely through that list, a number of things aren’t done. Things are revised but not finished, not distributed, not available. Tasks are planned but not done. Equipment is fixed, but not in use. In a sense, the world didn’t change at all in that hour. In fact, unless I follow-through, I run the risk of being worse off than before because I THINK I got something done.

Or that’s what a productivity cynic would say.

I think I did pretty well. And so can you…if you take an hour and try to change the world…rather than just spending that hour at work.

half

I talk to lots of people about faith. Sometimes it is about having faith. Sometimes having A faith. Or keeping faith. Or keeping the faith. Or sometimes just about Faith.

It’s a hard thing to talk about something this abstract because we want faith to be something we cling to (or that clings to us) when we are going through hard times. We hope that we will have enough faith to make it. We are almost out of faith, and sometimes we lose faith.

It took me a long time to understand the saying , “Do you see the glass as half full or half empty?” (Yes, I digress, but stay with me for a moment.) I didn’t understand how this was about being an optimist or being a pessimist.

A couple years ago that I finally realized that being a pessimist means that the glass, which could be full, is half empty-a clear sign of failure, of impending doom, of dissatisfaction. In contrast, being an optimist means that the glass, which could be empty, is half full, providing at least part of what we need, giving some sustenance, evidence of hope.

The image never worked for me because I figured that it’s a glass, it’s got something in it. Why worry about what could be better or what could be worse? Drink the coffee. Be grateful. Know that you will be thirsty again. Know that it isn’t enough for long. Know that it’s enough for the moment–or for some moment.

Yes, this is optimistic. Yes, this is pessimistic. Yes, this is pragmatic. Mostly it’s accurate.

A guy once wanted Jesus to do something amazing, something miraculous, something impossible. What he wanted was his son to be like other kids, like the kids who didn’t have a spirit that threw them into the campfire.

The man said, “If you can do anything…”

Jesus said, “IF I can?”

And then Jesus says “Everything is possible for the one who believes.”

Though this sounds like a self-help statement, the man knew it wasn’t. He understood, somehow, that the faith wasn’t up to him.

“I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief.”

And then the healing came.

The truth about faith is that we never have enough, we always have plenty. The glass is always both full and empty. And the amount is irrelevant. What matters is not the amount of faith that can be mustered or saved or summoned up. What matters is being honest enough with the giver of faith to look somewhere and say, “I believe You are there. But you gotta help me do something about the fact that I don’t believe You are there.”

And forget the exact amount in the glass. It will be enough.

I believe.

———-

An additional note of commentary:

And for those familiar with the story, you know that 9 of the disciples hadn’t been able to handle this. Jesus took care of it, and then they said, “why didn’t it work for us?” And Jesus says, “This kind only comes out with prayer.”

Maybe, just maybe, they had been looking for a cool event rather than trying to connect the boy and his father, in conversation, with God. They had been so focused on faith in their power to do cool stuff that they forgot it’s not about having faith, it’s about talking with the giver of faith. It’s about helping people build a relationship.

only two.

I used to teach from outlines. Or manuscripts. But certainly something well-framed, linear.

I’m not sure what happened but I don’t anymore. (I actually do know when it happened, which I will tell sometime). Now my notes are more like pictures than outlines. And what I write on flipcharts or whiteboards is more like puzzles than lists.

The card is for a class I taught this morning, part of a series I’m doing on spiritual inferiority. Because of the way some people in the Bible have been talked about in Sunday school, all heroic and perfect and all, we have a sense that we just don’t measure up to that standard.

This morning I was talking about Barnabas. He was an “after the and” kind of guy, the kind of person known as the second seat. Peter AND whoever, Paul AND Barnabas, Mary AND Martha, David AND Jonathan. “After the and” people are the helpers, the encouragers, the behind the scenes people.

Barnabas spent his entire Bible career working with two guys, Paul and Mark. He staked his entire reputation on their value as people at times when everyone else was being critical of them.

Paul had been chasing and killing people because they were in favor of Jesus. He said he changed but, understandably, the people he had been chasing were uncertain. Barnabas, standing on his reputation, said “we should listen”. They listened.

Mark had been traveling with Paul and Barnabas and quit. He went home. The next trip, Barnabas wanted to take Mark, Paul didn’t. The disagreement was strong enough that Paul and Barnabas split. Barnabas took Mark and went home.

Actually, he took Mark, his cousin, back to their home island. Mark later worked with Peter and worked with Paul, because Barnabas believed enough in him to risk his reputation a second time.

We often want to help as many people as we can, to influence as many lives as we can, to change the entire world in huge bites. We think of the loud people, the big audience people. We try to grow our circle as wide as possible.

For some people that is exactly the right thing to do. Grow, expand, live large.

For others, however, changing the world means pouring all of our attention into one or two people at a time. It’s risky. They may be murderers or failures. Everyone else, even our closest colleagues, may see no point in it.

But when it’s right, it’s right. Especially when the instructions include “…and love your neighbor…”

people

I can’t figure out what my blog is about. Ten words is the challenge, or 12. And I can’t distill that much.

Becky is trying to help, encouraging, pushing.

But I can’t narrow them down.

So then we went to lunch.

One person I sat with needed to think through a major choice. Somehow, I helped her think through a couple of choices, mostly be helping her think about not rushing.

Another person is thinking about how to take the next step in another choice. So I helped him think about just acting.

So I’m not sure that I’m concerned about figuring out what the twelve words are.

It’s about people.

outta here

I’m hitting the road in about 15 minutes. I’m heading to the Chicago area for a couple things.

Tonight I’ll be spending time with my parents and sisters. Mom is having eye surgery next Thursday. We’re all spending some time together and thinking about how best to help. Both sisters live close to my parents, so there is good care. I live 4 hours away, wich makes care challenging. So we’ll talk.

Tomorrow I’ll be at SOBcon for the day. Called “a business school for bloggers,” it’s an opportunity to understand how to be more effective in our blogging. My challenge will be to apply the ideas to a blog that has no commercial intentions. However, I am about community and faith community and clear explanations of things often made foggy by religious structures. I think it will help.

More than the learning, however, I’m looking forward to meeting people I know but haven’t seen. Becky McCray and I have written and twittered and worked together on the Great Big Small Business Show. I’ve written guest posts for Liz Strauss, Joanna Young, and Robert Hruzek. Thomas Knoll was part of our Lent2008 community. Chris Cree, Rick Mahn, Phil Gerbyshak, Karen Hanrahan (at least) have shown up in the comments on this blog.

In short, I get to interact face-to-face with I’ve shared a part of my life with. It is scary and humbling and invigorating all at the same time.

Oh yes, and one of the speakers is Chris Brogan.

I’m looking forward to this trip.

(Nancy and Becky, thank you)

what we can see.

Someone wanted a picture of Nancy.

She works for the Fort Wayne Children’s Choir but if you look at the website, you can’t find her picture. At least not by name. You can’t see most of the other staff either. It’s a design choice, one which doesn’t upset her much.

I decided to help the situation. To the left you see a picture of Nancy at the Children’s Choir concert a couple of days ago. Though there are 1200 other people in the picture, I know exactly where she is.

This doesn’t help you at all. If you have been reading what I write, however, you have gotten glimpses of her. She shows up by direct reference. She shows up in the shaping of our children. She shows up in the thoughts you read here in ways that you could never see, but, just like I can see Nancy in the picture, she can see herself here.

You think this is a post about Nancy. It’s not. It’s about you.

The picture above may be the kind of picture of your self that you want floating around. Although you may or may not be leaving clear photographs of yourself, you are constantly painting a picture of yourself, providing details, adding shading. And the picture isn’t exactly what you think.

If it’s like mine, the image you are creating may be what you want to be, what you are afraid you are, what you wish you weren’t. I had someone say to me recently, “If I could, I would provide you with a mirror so you could truly see how others see you, and to give yourself more of a break.”

Stu was right.

We all are better and worse than we wish. We are more and less perfect. We are more and less interesting, more and less effective, more and less cool. We are, in short, human. And we are loved.

And if we spent less time on impression-management, we might have more time for other things.

It’s Tuesday. Give yourself a break.

Go ahead, applaud

Chris Brogan has said that today, Monday, April 28, should be comment day. Chris tells us to go visit other people and engage in their conversation. I was going to list a bunch of links.

But I’m not. I’ll just go there myself and comment.

However, I was at a concert on Sunday and a musical on Saturday night. I’ve watched how feedback works and helps in those places and decided to create another 8 ways list.

1. Be spcific in your comments. It helps the conversation to continue.

2. Be persistent in your comments. Some of us don’t reply immediately, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t listening.

3. Be thoughtful. Be willing to use your mind to suggest new ideas, new perspectives.

4. Be connected. Make sure that your comments relate somehow to what the person is saying. I have a hard time continuing the conversation when I can’t figure out the nature of the connection.

5. Be encouraging in your comments. Sometimes we just need to hear a cheer, or know that someone in particular is listening.

6. Be multi-modal. I just made that up, but it means that sometimes the comments should be in the comment field, but sometimes they should be in an email or a phone call or a text or a tweet. A post and comments are just one place for interaction. (I know the value of having the conversation in public. But there are times for keeping parts hidden or directed).

7. Be conversational. Conversation invites other people to talk as well. I’m not great at this. I tend to give the last word. So…

8. Be _____________. What kind of comments are most helpful to you?

The floor (or the comment box) is yours.

for aiden

Yesterday, the son of a friend was confirmed and took/made first Communion. It was, for me, a good time to think about faith.

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